This is breaking my heart

These days every time I open twitter and see the news,I was horrified, exhausted, and in shock. This work has never been easy and these problems are not new but this overwhelming barrage of rapid actions have been overwhelming my heart and crowding my soul. So naturally, I wrote a thing:

this is breaking my heart
it is crushing my soul
yes, I will fight on
but do not mistake my resolve
for peace
for the ability to sleep at night
not thinking about
this country that I now live in
this country that I have lived in
and all the worse places it can still go

today, I was thinking about Tiananmen
that’s the thing about having parents
who came from an authoritarian regime
every new fear
also feels old
like somewhere
not so far down my inherited history
reporters were being jailed
as facts became stories
but this country was suppose to be better
that was the whole point
was it not?

we are not quite at
thousands massacred in a square
but I also know
every state sanctioned mass killing
started somewhere
before the actual day
decisions being made
people being tolerated

that is the definition of a dictatorship
the acquiescence of cowardice to power
the ability of large groups of people
bureaucracies bending to the will of a tyrant
trying to hold on to power already lost

on twitter I see something said by Jesse Jackson
deep water does not drown you
you drown when you stop kicking

i think

we have not stopped kicking
throughout our history
there has always been kicking

tell me

where is the relief?
either we drown by stopping
or we exhaust ourselves to death by fighting

at a protest I see this sign
they tried to bury us
they did not know we were seeds

i wondered

do we know how much it will take from us
to claw and grow our way out of this darkness?
to watch our sisters suffocate
on this earth that was suppose to protect us

i wonder

how many more long days can i stand?
how many more nights
spent sobbing in my bed

something tells me
i must find a better way
to ease my soul
to comfort my wounds

if i am honest with myself
i am tired
my heartbeats feel heavy
and there are too many days
i have spent
exhausted by the fight

tyranny has a knack
of getting into your every moment
how many times
have you wondered
what fear feels like
with the arrogance of safety in your heart

Resistance is beautiful

but it will also tear you up inside
until you can no longer
tell the difference
between breathing
and resistance

what they do not tell you
when they ask of you
to allow your very existence to be a resistance
is that the wars they wage on the very contours of your body

Hurt.

that for every chant
there is a doubt

for every victory
there has been a dozen gone

there are fights
still carried on now
that have seen
the entire lives
of those who came before us

to stay sane
you must remember that the work that you do
is only meant to give strength
to those long after you are gone

after all
your fight
comes from the strength
of the women before you
in their beautiful
undefinable skins

you must remember
Resistance is not a four year ordeal
and also
not your only task

your body
is no one’s but your own
to do so as you please
to feed to God herself
in all her desires

to fill the soft, laughing parts
of your most tender self
and add
to all the love
in this world

you are yours
and in that
you can be
the world’s.

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